Panzermadels: Tank Dating Simulator – Review

Dating simulators are an interesting genre, with fairly a simple design to follow they are effectively limited only by the imagination of their creator. So its not surprising to see various different dating simulators tackle the object of affection within the game in unconventional fashions, and thus the interesting results that arise because of that.

Hatoful_Boyfriend_coverFamously this can be seen with the video game ‘Hatoful Boyfriend: A School of Hope and White Wings’, where your affections are directed towards pigeons.

So perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise to see a dating simulator focused on tanks. Yep, you romance a heavy armoured fighting vehicle, that carries guns and moves on a continuous articulated metal track, and is intended for front-line combat.

Ok, perhaps that is an exaggeration, you are dating a collection of stereotypical anime styled girls, who bear the names of famous tanks, such as the American M4 Sherman and the Soviet T-34.

Perhaps the best way to summarise ‘Panzermadels: Tank Dating Simulator’, is in the American developers, DEVGRU-P, own words:

“The first dating simulator to deliver a thoughtful look at tanks, and the men who date them!”

The basic plot of the game involves you the player, in the role of Erwin Lemmor, a recent transfer student to the a unnamed prestigious military academy to study Armoured Warfare. Of course low and behold, the academy is not an institute devoted to the study of armoured warfare but rather a literal “Tank School” for tanks of the Second World War. These WWII era tanks for unexplained reasons visually resemble stereotypical Japanese school girls. Perhaps the idea of Objectophilia, or rather Object Sexuality, was a bit much for the average player? I suppose not even everyone has a sexual fetish focused on armoured fighting vehicles.

In the course of the game, as you study “Basic Artillery Computations for Fire Support 101”, and “Radio Operations 214”, you must win the heart of the tank-girls, or end up as cannon fodder.

All rather simple really, absurd but simple.

Now the simulator appears somewhat aware of its own absurdity, with the…interesting, to say the least, dialogue of the tank-girls, such as having the Soviet T-34 make a reference to the Russian military intervention in the Ukraine, primarily in the territory of Crimea in 2014, where it is alleged the Soviet T-34 medium tanks have been deployed, alongside the Soviet SU-100 tank destroyers.


While the other tank-girls resort to cliché dialogue, as can be seen below:

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Is this game daft, yes, yes it is. But if you like dating sims and can appreciate the very tongue-in-cheek and goofy self-aware parodying of visual novel tropes, then it might take your fancy. If not, at least you are now aware such a thing exists…maybe you might take some comfort in that. Maybe.

I will admit I have only written this short piece on the game out of a bizarre sense of ‘er, what?’ Dating sims are not games I play, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to question why one exists about tanks. Oh well, each to their own. Its not hurting anybody.

Why not watch its trailer, while you are here, its…interesting?:

Copyrighted material used under Fair Use, and belong to their respected copyright holders.

Copyright © 2013 – 2016 Patrick Ward – All Rights Reserved.

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